Thank you, next.
It’s easy to get wrapped up in what others think and what we believe is expected of us. You can lose sight of what really matters worrying about a non-existent timeline. Who says we have to have it all figured out by 30? Who says we have to achieve success in the same way that someone else has? Who says that I have to freeze my eggs and have children asap or I'll lose my woman card and relinquish my XX chromosomes?
I call bullshit.
I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. As a recovering worrier/overthinker, I find it difficult to fight the illusion that my own mind often creates about what my life should look like by now or by some time in the future. I don’t have it all figured out. Not even close, but I have a few of the necessary tools to get me there. I have a strong drive and determination. I don’t give up easily on the things that I want, and I am intrinsically motivated in a way that helps me pursue those desires. Having a birthday around the same time as the new year ( December 26th) always leads to a reflection that I think might be deeper than most. Another year older as a new year approaches. What have I done this year that is getting me closer to where I want to be? Wait, where do I want to be?
During this time of reflection, (the "magical" time of year between Christmas and New years ) it can be easy to feel a mix of emotions as another season of your life comes to a close. Oh, and this year it’s extra special because we have an entire decade to relinquish into the past as we face a more hopeful future. Just last night I was feeling a cocktail of emotions leaving me feeling frustrated, anxious and concerned. These feelings emerged from a fear of what lies ahead as I leave behind years of lessons, growth, and fresh perspectives ripped into my soul by heartbreak, disappointment, and pain. You never know what’s coming around the corner, but the best way to live life is to simply let it be. Let it come as it comes and let it go as it goes. Ride the wave, because none of us are getting out of it alive anyways. ;)
A small light bulb flashed into my mind last night as I realized that for so long I’ve been living with an idea that is a shell of what I actually want out of life. I never realized that I never really asked myself what I wanted. What does Jess want? I have always lived for what others desired of me or what society thinks I should want. After thinking long and hard, I think I’ve finally done it. You guys….I have real goals. I’ve always been motivated, we already know that, but I have found a deeper understanding of my why. I think it’s really about to change things for me. Shaking things up one specific goal and dream at a time. These dreams are for me. For a future that I can be proud of. One that I designed, hoped for, worked my ass off for, and can safely look back on and say that is exactly how I wanted it to go. Aside from a few hiccups of course, because life does not always go as planned, but it does not mean that it can’t still be beautiful.
This time I’m living for me. I’m dreaming of a future that will put my business into the light, that will see my relationships blossom, and that will make me the only thing that I have ever wanted to be, h a p p y. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know that whatever happens I’ll be here pushing. I’ll be here loving, creating, laughing, imagining, and never again letting society determine what I should do with my life. No more dreading the clock, thinking I’m out of time, and panicking because I didn’t retire at 12. Life looks different for everyone, success, love, happiness, it all looks different for each and everyone one of us. I think I have finally found my version and I’m ready to explore and develop that in the most creative ways possible. I’m not letting go of what I want and how I want it. I’m not there yet, but I’m my way.
As this year closes and this decade comes to an end I, can’t help but feel thankful. Yes I’ve been hurt, broken, pushed, and made the utmost uncomfortable, but nothing changes if nothing changes. Growth is good. Moving outside of your comfort zone is where the magic happens. Trust me, I was born with anxiety and an often debilitatingly shy personality, so venturing out has always been an extreme sport for me. The times when I have been most uncomfortable have led to the most beautiful things.
Goodbye early twenties, and goodbye mid-twenties, thank you for the lessons. Almost 30 doesn’t scare me anymore. As long as I’m surrounded by those I love, as long as I love myself, and as long as I have a dream to fight for, nothing else matters. I am not defined by a credit score, by the number of children I have by 30, or by the size of my bank account. That might matter to some, but it’s not my journey. I don’t need the flash to impress people or convince people to like me that don’t even like themselves. I don’t need the latest and greatest to compete. What I do need is someone to shower with my overwhelming love, an activity to keep me healthy and sane ( looking at you yoga), and something to hope for. If I have those, I think I’m doing pretty damn good. So long perfectionist, we are no longer in need of your services. Hello 28, welcome 2020, and welcome Jess to the rest of your life. It’s nice to finally meet you.