I've never been in love.
I V E N E V E R B E E N I N L O V E
Ive never craved someone's touch so much it hurts. Ive never felt like I was missing something before becoming a half of a whole. Ive never given so much to someone that I would never get it back. Nobody has ever touched my soul in a way that has changed the very fabric of my being.
But wait...maybe that’s not what being in love is.
Maybe it’s not supposed to take the air from your lungs. Maybe it’s not supposed to take pieces of yourself and never give them back. Maybe it’s not supposed to make you feel incomplete unless you are a part of another person. I know I’ve never been in love, but I know I have loved. I’ve put others above myself. I’ve been thoughtful, and caring, and kind. Maybe too much so at some points. I’ve worked hard to make someone else happy. I’ve sacrificed sleep, self-esteem, my relationships with others, my sanity, and changed so many things to fit the mold of what someone else wanted. I used to think that loving someone meant dropping everything and giving them what they needed no matter how or when. That loving them so much and often more than yourself was the way to get them to love me back. I used to think that I had to be someone else to be something to someone. I’ve changed my hair, my clothing, my habits, my hobbies, my thoughts, only for someone to leave me for reasons that had nothing to do with me.
This is why I still choose to love. I still choose hope over giving in and giving up. I still believe in the good of people even when people show me they are not good. Why? Because I need to. For myself. I need to believe that there are others like me. I need to believe that others can love like I do. I must believe that others are passionate and giving and caring and that one day I’ll meet someone just like me, who loves like me, and who will love me. And when that day comes, I will know. I will know what it feels like to be surrounded by a constant feeling of warmth and reassurance. I will know what it feels like to have air breathed into your lungs. I will know what it feels like to commit to becoming a whole part of “together,” not a half. Only then, I know I will fall in love. With myself all over again, with life, and with someone who gives what I give, cares like I care, and only wants to grow with me, not break me down.
Ive never been in love.
But I think I’ve been on my way.
I like someone who makes me laugh.
I like someone for how they treat me.
I like someone for how they treat others.
I like someone when I see them doing something that they love.
I like someone who believes in quality time spent with loved ones.
I like someone who shares similar interests, but has unique interests that I have not explored.
I like someone who works hard at whatever they do, and it’s a bonus if it is their passion.
I like someone who likes staying in over going out.
I like someone who will be silly with me because life taken too seriously is life wasted.
I like someone who will sing along with me to our favorite songs, and embrace my howling away in the car.
I learn to like someone for everything that they are first, before what they look like.
Good looks are just a bonus. My favorite features are deep eyes that I can get lost in, a big smile that forms when it sees the things it loves, and slightly unkempt hair that gives off a relaxed and effortless vibe. I like a partner to be taller than me because I enjoy hugs where I can get lost in their embrace. I like someone’s unique laugh that I can play over in my mind as a gentle reminder of their presence whenever they are away. I like the way someone speaks, specifically the little quirks that make their words stand apart from others. I like the small gestures a person does to let you know they care, like placing your sun visor down in the car while they are driving because you stubbornly sat with the sun in your eyes for too long. Maybe the way they turn on your favorite tv show whenever you are with them, or how they show genuine interest in the things that you are most passionate about. I appreciate someone who gives random compliments, but means them endearingly. I mostly enjoy when someone lets me support them.
I’ve never been in love, but I’ve been on my way.