Confidence. Self esteem. Self worth.
What do all of these words mean? I'm not exactly sure. I'm no expert.
Some days I think I know what these words should represent to me. Other days, not so much.
Some days I understand. The days when I am comfortable in my own skin. The days when I am confident in who I am and who I am becoming.
Some days I just can't relate. The days when I feel "fat." My grandmother hated that word. Sorry grandma.
The days when I feel insecure.
The moments when I feel inferior.
Being surrounded by so much conflict regarding bodies, appearance, confidence, and what it is to be sexy, can be overwhelming. Nobody loves everything about themselves every minute of the day, and that's ok. We aren't built for perfection. What's not ok is conforming to the ideas set forth by magazines, media, and individuals who want us to be anything but ourselves. The pressure to be thin, the pressure to be thick, the pressure to be sexy, the pressure to be chill or "normal". It's all too much pressure whatever way you look at it.
There is another issue though. If you want to be yourself and just be normal, whatever that is to you, you get crap for that also. People think you don't care. Truthfully, you shouldn't, and sometimes you don't.
The brain is a magical thing that works in mysterious ways. For me, confidence is fleeting. There are good days and bad.
The photo above? Clearly a very good day. A day when I was happy. A day when I was comfortable. A day when the beach was the only place that could change my mood and make me feel like life was good. I may have even felt sexy this day.
Let's be clear. Not everything is about being sexy or even feeling sexy. It is about being happy, whatever that means to an individual. Some people like to feel sexy all the time. Others like to feel sexy sometimes, and other times they want to feel cute or even beautiful, pretty, or nothing physical at all, just happy.
Ready for some honesty?
The photo above isn't even an accurate depiction of what my body looks like on any given day. I am a woman. A woman who likes to eat. My weight fluctuates often. I am a woman who works out on a regular basis, and still has cellulite. I am a woman whose hormones often determine her eating an entire box of donuts in one sitting. I am a woman who loves her curves and enjoys them. I am a woman who isn't perfect. I am real.
Unintentionally this photo was taken at a good angle with an even greater pose. Guess what? I don't give any ***** about that. Want to know why? The only thing I am concerned with in this photo is how I was feeling that day. I was happy. I was so happy to be on the beach, to be free, and to wear a bikini even though I am not always comfortable in my skin. There are people who will look at this and say what is she talking about, she's perfect. Excuse me there is no such thing. Second, there are those who will say "she has no reason to complain, so it is easy for her to write this and post this."
Wrong again. I won't judge you for your insecurities, so don't judge me for mine. The truth of the matter is, we never know how others feel about themselves. You never know who is really confident, who is faking it, and who is just trying to love themselves no matter what others think.
How about this? Let people be. Let your judgements go. This goes for everyone else, but also for yourself. Give yourself a break. Love yourself on good days and bad. Those won't change, but maybe, just maybe, some day, you will have more good days than bad, because you will finally accept that you are who you are and no amount of surgery, pills, makeup, or Photoshop will change that.
Love yourself. That's all.