A letter to...the first boy that broke my heart.
The first time you ( think) you fall in love is one of the weirdest and most intense roller coasters you will ever experience. New feelings, uncharted emotional waters, and the introduction to a person that can do no wrong. No matter what they do or say, you show up with bells on ready to be the one person that they can lean on, call for support, cherish, love, admire, and be themselves with, so you hope. When you have crushes, they hurt, but when you think that you have found the person that you want to give the rest of your life to, and it doesn't work out, you are destroyed. The very first time is the worst. The most naive you have ever been, the most vulnerable you could be, and the most open you want to be, in your life.
That's what I was with you. I was open, I fell, I loved, I laughed, I cried, and I put you above anything and everything else. I gave you my time, my heart, my light, my energy, and when you left like I never mattered at all, it shattered everything into a million pieces. I laid on the floor and cried to the point of no emotion at all. Nothing left to live for. Nothing left but the question of why I wasn't good enough. What did you see in every other girl that you chose over me that I did not have? You see, I didn't know my worth then. I didn't see how amazing I was. I didn't see how beautiful, smart, loving, talented, kind, funny, and caring I was. You leaving took me to the depths of despair in a way that I did not think I could recover from. That was the first time I truly contemplated how life would be without me in it. And that scared me to my core. I have struggled with anxiety my whole life, with bouts of depression in the past, and with difficult emotions, but never had someone cut me so deep that it made me feel this hopeless. I want you to know that even though you broke me that day, you didn't end me. You did me a huge favor by ripping the rug out from under me and making me get back up on my own two feet. Only I could do that for myself. Not my parents, not my friends, but myself. I had to ride that wave, I had to get back up, and I had to live. It took me a few years to not cringe at the sight of a white truck. It took me years to wear my hair how I felt it would look nice, not how you wanted it to be. It took me years to be able to roll the cuffs of my jeans without your voice asking me to choose between shorts or pants because I looked ridiculous.
It took years, but I did it. I tore away from your comments, your cynicism, your mental torture, and your narcissism. I began to live for myself again. I finished my Master's program. I started my business. I was finally able to have friends again. I repaired the relationships that you almost destroyed with my loved ones, and most important of all, I slowly began to repair the relationship I had lost with myself. I could breathe again without you, even though I never thought I would be able to.
There are so many things I could say to you, but at this point they are all irrelevant, except one.
Thank you for taking me to my breaking point and leaving me absolutely crushed. It took that experience to teach me to love myself just as I am, to follow my dreams, and to not let anyone else ever treat me the way you treated me. I guess I didn't understand how important that was before. You have to go through certain things in your life to truly understand what you deserve. I didn't deserve your torture, but I sure as hell know that I will never let another soul ever treat me that way again.
So thank you. I'm better than I have ever been. I'm thriving, I'm living, I'm loving again. You broke me, but you didn't end me. I am stronger now than before, and for that, I do not regret the time we shared. I wish you luck. I have no hate in my heart. I have no feelings left for you, and I am proud that I can finally say that you have no control over me, but you did change me, and I do not regret it one little bit.